The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.
My childhood friend, my family outside of family, congratulations. You make me feel old and behind on love and relationships, but I’m happy you’ve found love, and also kind of sad I couldn’t support you better when you were in New York. I know that when I start talking about Christianity or church, you automatically hide behind your walls of anger, hurt, and disdain but I hope that you wouldn’t give up on God. I believe that he won’t give up on you, and that he has and always sees you with loving eyes beyond all the stinging wounds you’ve received. I love you, and I know I probably couldn’t have changed much, but I wish I could have been a better best friend and sister. I wish I could have given you more strength to get through experiences you had while you went to church here, made friends here…
I really hope that all your memories from New York aren’t full of stains and mud. I really miss you best friend. I miss being able to easily meet up and talk, laugh, and be morons together. I miss ranting with you, fighting with you, confiding in you, beating you at shooting games, giving you advice. But I know that you’re not yet willing to embrace the things associated with home and New York. I hate that I’m unable to see you for years on end since your job at the Air Force. It’s been so long since I’ve last seen you and I’m kind of hoping that we won’t fight when I next see you, but I’m afraid we most probably will. I love you, I know you love me, and I’m so thankful you asked me to be your bridesmaid, but I can’t stop questioning whether being your bridesmaid lines up with the religion we believe in.
I believe that God loves you regardless of your orientation, and that Christians aren’t called to bash or hate on one another. But we are called to be honest to one another as members of one body, and I realize that for the longest time I compromised my position on homosexuality because I feared losing you as a friend. I still do. I support your happiness darling, and I congratulate you for finding peace, love, and someone to share that with. I’m sorry that being your bridesmaid doesn’t sit well with me, but I still wish to be present for that milestone. I have a long way to learn about God and this is not a biblical interpretation, meaning it’s dangerous and most likely inaccurate, but I imagine that if I had a disobedient child, as we all are, I’d still love him like crazy and would rather stay accessible and present in his life regardless of his choices. I just pray that you and your fiance would stay in the faith and continue to pray for one another. 🙂 ❤
I haven’t been able to read in so long! I’ve been meaning to read this book about the sibling effect that I borrowed from a friend, but I haven’t read a single page. This semester is definitely more taxing than previous ones, and I hope I don’t lose sight of what this time really means. I don’t want my time spent in college to be a box on a checklist or time spent worrying about doing things the right way and at the right pace. I just hope that I could enjoy my struggles, or at least cultivate the skill to enjoy them. Because as much as I feel swamped and overwhelmed by the things I’ve taken up, I’m rewarded by them all. I’m gaining work experience, consistently meeting new people, stress-singing, and getting to work with children and attend concerts for free. And while I struggle in Probability and Analysis, I’m definitely learning, and it blows my mind when I do understand. I’m never bored in those classes for sure. But I can use some wisdom in knowing when to cut back and in finding ways to enjoy struggle.